The title is a little bit difficult; shortened we're mentally ill.
To shorten a detailed story, my dick is too large for her. It causes her discomfort, and we have to stop quickly because it's uncomfortable for her.
Has she has described it to me as if there's not enough natural lubrication. When we tried to combat that issue with different kinds of lubes, we ran into sensitive skin issues causing irritation and more uncomfortableness.
In fact it's been since November that we've had sex, and she's not even in the mood to receive oral. (again we're mentally ill, she's on depression + anxiety meds, but the loss of libido occurred before she was on medication)
Of course she has mentioned to me that she is trying and it is upsetting to her as well, but because she basically has no drive for it the way she explains it always comes off like she's disinterested every time.
I want to give more than I receive, but I just feel so neglected. This has started to affect my self-image, and leave me feeling insecure about myself.
Otherwise in the relationship we're nearly perfectly happy, we communicate well, try to have open discussions without bias, but when it comes to sex it's all around upsetting.
What suggestions have you for me? I'll answer questions as I can

Me and my husband have had our sweet boy for about three years now. He came to us when he was around 1-1.5 y/o and has been the most loving addition to our little. My sister recently got a kitten and it got on well as a playmate for her other cat, and we've considered doing the same but I'm hesitant. I would love a new kitten but I'm not sure if my little guy would feel the same. Is there any way to know if your cat would or wouldn't be suited to have another kitty companion? I've done some research into scent swapping and placing their food near each other's with a barrier and the likes but is there any way to know if he would be okay with it without just bringing a new cat in? Id hate to adopt and have to bring the new baby back but I want my current cat to be comfortable and for both to be happy and safe. Does anyone have any experience in either them hating each other long term and is that a possibility?

Saben cuánto pagan a la semana? Está chido por el ambiente o propinas? Que tan chido está?
Me ha interesado entrar ahí

Pretty much as the title says. Can a person lean more towards a specific season but also pull from other, different seasons? I'm struggling a bit to find my season at the moment and feel like I may straddle multiple?
For context, I am fair with cool undertones (Armani Luminous Silk Concealer 3.75 is a near perfect foundation match for me if that helps). My eyes are a dark blue that transition to a fairly icey blue right around the pupil. I am medium to high contrast with brown-auburn hair (I naturally straddle the brunette-auburn continuum but I do dye it one shade darker just for a little added drama.) Playing around with color wise, I always get classified as Cool Summer or Cool Winter, depending on where on my face I took the color sample from.
Overall, I feel either of these seasons generally makes sense and many of the colors in these palettes tend to be shades I naturally gravitate towards in terms of clothing. (And I personally think the Cool Summer palette may look a little bit better on me. I think winter colors can sometimes be a little too bright/overwhelming?) Orange, salmon pink and tomato reds tend to give me a bit of a jaundiced effect. Whereas both bluer, more raspberry/strawberry reds tend to brighten my face up. Rosey beige pinks tend to be a great nude/natural lip for me. I can't wear mustard yellow but I think I can pull off brighter and lighter lemon-y yellow shades.
However, my issue is when it comes to neutrals. I feel as if all the greys and many of the purples in the WinteSummer color schemes make me look incredibly sickly, like they basically just suck all life from my face and I look tired, gaunt. They play up dark undereye circles and shadows in my face. I'm not sure if it's because of the warmth in my hair, but I feel many of the neutrals found in warmer seasons suit me better? Even straight black and white don't seem to have this same effect on me as putting on wintesummer greys or purples.
Does this mean I'm actually a different season? Or is it acceptable to build a personal color palette inclusive of many different seasons?

So I have a teenage mutant ninja Aussie named Sirius who is now 8 months old. He is a LOT to handle, especially as we live in the city, but all in all, I’m happy to say, he is now pretty cool to be around for me, and our trainers (we have 2) also say we are doing nice for his breed and age.
However, as is inevitable for a young hyperactive shepherd, he has tons of protective and herding instincts, and sometimes they bite me in the ass (pretty literally). I know I’m doing everything I could, I know it just takes patience from me, maturing from him, and repetition from us both, but God I get so frustrated when he is acting up around other people. Sometimes he is barky, sometimes he decides he needs to lunge on everyone in the 10 meters vicinity of himself, sometimes he forgets he can live for 2 hours without me and tries to get out of the window when I leave. But what gets me is that all the time, people around are criticising me, giving unsolicited advice, opening up with “You know you should train your dog, right?”and threatening to report me to I don’t even know whom.
I mean, you could say he looks adult when he’s really a puppy and that’s what makes people judge, but actually where I live, in Germany, people, especially neighbours, didn’t give me any grace period even for his baby puppy stage, complaining about we go on potty breaks near the house too often or asking whether I’m aware that crating is considered torture.
I know I do inconvenience people sometimes, and I can imagine it sucks for them, but why do they need to be so rude and devoid of empathy? Every single accident is nothing in itself, but over time, it accumulates into this notion of “I’m doing everything I can, and am everyday reminded it’s not enough”.
At the moment, we’re on a vacation with him. I think in part I want to be away from home just to catch a break from being judged all the time. But of course travelling is also stressful. Yesterday I left him in our hotel room for 1.5 hours to go to dinner, and I know he barked for a few minutes and then stopped. And just now we were returning from a walk, and we stumbled upon some other guests who screamed at me: “this DOG!!! Barked yesterday! For HOURS!”.
And I’m sitting in my room crying because I just can’t take it anymore… I know it’s probably a me issue as I used to try to be invisible and convenient to people all my life, but I’m so so tired of inconveniencing everyone and being chastised for it…
Please, if you have some words of support for me, or advice that could help in communication with people about unwanted dog behaviour, I would be so grateful to hear it!!

Sorry for the long message but some reason I have the motivation to vent to random strangers at almost 3 am in the morning lol It feels like a majority my friends are all liked by other friends and get girls but neither of those happen to me. I know I'm average but its devastating to think that a girl who I thought was a perfect fit most likely doesn't even like me back a single bit. People always assume stuff about me and my personality and they don't really talk to me. A lot of my friends have become popular and left me behind and there are only a few left who actually like me. I know, right? I sound like a total loser. Why don't most people and girls even consider talking to me at school but they talk to everyone else? It feels like I'm acting normal but people still just think I'm just an irrelevant kid standing on the sidelines. I can be a very nice person if you're actually friends with me but people overlook that. I'm tired of being treated like i'm just a nobody that pretty much the whole school doesn't like. I'm tired of being made fun of by other people. I just want to be respected and treated like a normal kid.

When I grew up, I had difficulty looking people in the eyes, either avoiding it or dissociating and my eyes become unfocused when making actual attempts. In a way I was "lucky" to talk to a guidance counselor that gave me the advice to look at their nose or in-between the eyes or eyebrows to trick them into thinking I was making eye contact. Not much "lucky" because I also have amnesia and assume what people interpret of me is the truth (ex: "you never have difficulty with [thing I actively struggle with]"), so I thought I didn't have this issue with eye contact.
With changing jobs and not having to rely on attempts on eye contact anymore, I noticed it started getting difficult looking at people's faces from not having to mask. I started just not turning to face people when talking to them or only glancing at their mouth or nose and then looking away or my eyes constantly dart away from them. However, like today, I noticed I kept dodging looking at people's faces or at their eyes as usual, but had an easier time looking at someone with glasses on when they were talking to me.
I'm not sure if it's the frame of the glasses itself giving an easier focus that works well with the advice I was given by that one guidance counselor or what, but does anyone else have something similar, or this type of experience? Do others here find it easier to look people in the face when they have an accessory near their eyes like glasses, or does the nose and in-between advice work for them more?

TLDR and my log is at the end.
Hi all just wanted to share my breakthrough regimen that has resulted in excellent improvements in sexual function as well as some improvement in the anhedonia category. The anhedonia i believe is not caused by PSSD or it had very little to do with it. Regardless, it does seem to have improved mostly the feeling of being able to connect with females. I was targeting sexual function improvements. I took a combination of E2 injections, E2 gel and hops supplement. Everything else had been stable for a minimum of 6 months. Attached a document below that i recorded my trial on. It's now been a month+ since i last used E2 and very rarely do i take hops anymore. Improvements have stuck and seem to be getting better. Big improvements in erection quality, sensitivity and less so in libido.
​
I'll try to quantify the improvements but its difficult. As always things will fluctuate based on other factors like sleep, attractiveness of girl, mood that day, stress etc. The "Before" will be my baseline which was a combination of various supplements and medications. The heavy hitters are TRT (~125mg/week split into 2 doses Monday and Thursday), bromantane, NA Semax, selegiline in no particular order. Viagra is often used before sex as well. After my E2 trial i no longer need viagra all the time. Normally I am having sex almost daily which can be a bit taxing on the body i think. The sensitivity improvements are problematic on occasion. It becomes difficult to continue to have sex and i have to use tricks and techniques to not cum too quickly. I dont wish to try E2 again for the time being as the increased sensitivity causes issues.
The lower the score the worse it is. 1/10 sensitivity would be near total genital numbness and no pleasure.10/10 would be pre-PSSD levels for me that align with the best I've felt in my life in that area. It's not the most scientific approach if anyone has a proper form to fill out for recovery I could give it a go.
Before
Erection quality (being able to get an erection and maintain it during sex) 5/10
Libido - 3/10
Sensitivity - 5/10
Anhedonia - 7/10
Refractory Period - 1 day (assuming having sex daily)
After
Erection quality (being able to get an erection and maintain it during sex) 8/10
Libido - 5/10
Sensitivity - 8/10
Anhedonia - 8/10
Refractory Period - Varies, limited data. 1-2 hours has been possible on several occasions so far. Definite improvement
​
​
A big thanks to u/Sweaty_Literature_69 (Spyros) for sharing his theory
TLDR: Took E2 injections/gel and hops and got big improvements in sexual function across the board that have stuck for a month+
​

---------Log Below-------

-------------------------------

1. mike1 — 03/20/2023 1:31 PM

Just applied 1.25g (0.75mg of 17 β estradiol) gel to test the waters about 40 minutes ago. will see if there's any effects i wont be doing a proper trial (following sweaty's pdf) because there's too many restrictions. will try with the gel for now and then move to injections later perhaps Some background: Ive been on trt for 2-3 years already. I've had PSSD for ~3 years from prozac (fluoxetine). Ive tried many things to see what will work for me. I would say I experienced a 30-40% improvement from baseline with my current regimen. The best window I ever had was my initial dose of proviron which prompted me to give this theory a shot. This lasted 2 days or so. I felt like a God every aspect was improved. It wasn't a manic phase though. Current regimen (the heavy hitters): TRT ~125mg/week No HCG NA Semax 300-600mcg/day Bromantane varying dosages Selegiline 1.25mg/day sublingual Various other supplements that I dont think matter all that much. Sexmas, Bromantane, Selegiline were all added individually after 1-2month minimum baseline was established. (edited)
2.
Akas — 03/20/2023 2:52 PM
May i ask why you didn’t pair Test with HCG from the beginning to prevent ball shrinkage?

1. [2:53 PM]

And may i also ask which Ssri you took, how long you took it for and how hold you are?
4.
mike1 — 03/20/2023 3:21 PM
May i ask why you didn’t pair Test with HCG from the beginning to prevent ball shrinkage? - I have 0 sperm count now which is very useful for unprotected sex. I have used hcg in the past. And may i also ask which Ssri you took, how long you took it for and how hold you are? - Fluoxetine for ~12 years, 30 years old
5.
Akas — 03/20/2023 3:33 PM
So you are dealing with sexual symptoms right now? But you have recovered some of your sexuality/libido? (edited)
6.
mike1 — 03/20/2023 3:41 PM
yea mostly just sexual symptoms and some aspects of anhedonia but im not a severe case. i can have sex daily if i use viagra. i dont have much libido the brain to dick connection isnt there much and genital numbness

1. u/mike1

yea mostly just sexual symptoms and some aspects of anhedonia but im not a severe case. i can have sex daily if i use viagra. i dont have much libido the brain to dick connection isnt there much and genital numbness
14.
mike1 — 03/20/2023 6:31 PM
Update 1: Roughly 5 hours since gel application. Had a little surge in genital/skin sensitivity around the 1 hour mark. Feel like i am beginning to retain water and blood pressure going up a bit. Nothing uncomfortable but its noticeable. Better sense of well being around the 2-3 hour mark which has faded. No other side effects or improvements to note. (edited)

1. [7:23 PM]

What are your current doses ?

1. u/mike1

Update 1: Roughly 5 hours since gel application. Had a little surge in genital/skin sensitivity around the 1 hour mark. Feel like i am beginning to retain water and blood pressure going up a bit. Nothing uncomfortable but its noticeable. Better sense of well being around the 2-3 hour mark which has faded. No other side effects or improvements to note. (edited)
Survivor — 03/20/2023 7:43 PM
Blackcreative also had the same reaction after 5 hours

1. u/Zyzz Brah

What are your current doses ?
mike1 — 03/20/2023 9:59 PM
dosage is posted. first line in the first post
20.
Survivor — 03/20/2023 10:01 PM
u/mike1 are you gonna use this amount of gel daily for your current protocol?
21.
mike1 — 03/20/2023 10:05 PM
The bioavailability of oestradiol from the gel was 61% - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10465378/
PubMed
Absorption and bioavailability of oestradiol from a gel, a patch an...
The doses used of the transdermal gel and the patch roughly corresponded to each other with regard to the amount of oestradiol absorbed whereas the bioavailability from the tablet was significantly higher than from the gel. The lack of bioequivalence, the different serum oestradiol profiles and the …
📷

1. u/Survivor

u/mike1 are you gonna use this amount of gel daily for your current protocol?
mike1 — 03/20/2023 10:07 PM
i think ill increase it tomorrow to 1.6mg of 17 β estradiol. that should mean roughly 1mg is absorbed (edited)

1. [10:07 PM]

double today's dosage
24.
Survivor — 03/20/2023 10:07 PM
What is the bioavailability of gels usually?

1. mike1

The bioavailability of oestradiol from the gel was 61% - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10465378/
mike1 — 03/20/2023 10:08 PM
i dont know. i just posted the bioavailability of E2 gel

1. [10:08 PM]

depends on what body part you put it on too

1. [10:08 PM]

i did inner thigh

1. u/mike1

depends on what body part you put it on too
Survivor — 03/20/2023 10:08 PM
Where is it the highest?
29.
mike1 — 03/20/2023 10:09 PM
i read inner thigh, inner upper arms is good

1. [10:11 PM]

Update 2: Around 9 hours since application. No changes, no improvements/side effects. Had sex with viagra as normal. Seemed to have better sensitivity, bit more libido than yesterday. No crazy improvements though. My sexual function fluctuates ive had days like this before. If i could have this level of function consistently though that'd be a marked improvement.
March 21, 2023
31.
mike1 — 03/21/2023 8:26 PM
Update 3: Applied roughly 1.6mg of 17 β estradiol gel 5 hours ago so roughly 1mg is absorbed. No changes to report. No improvements, no side effects. Will try to get injections soon see if that helps. May add in hops too.
March 27, 2023
34.
Update 4: Applied roughly 1mg of 17 β estradiol gel 4 hours ago an d 1240mg hops. No changes to report. No improvements, no side effects. seems improvements have stopped. what little improvements there were anyways will keep going. but this doesnt seem to be the magic bullet i had my best ever window years ago on proviron. must be some hormone combo that will fix it mike1 — 25/03/2023 19:25 Update 5: Applied roughly 1mg of 17 β estradiol gel yesterday and took 1240mg hops again. No changes to report. No improvements, no side effects.
36.
mike1 — 03/27/2023 5:03 PM
thanks. just got oestradiol benzoate today for injection. injected 1mg 5 mins ago will report back later

1. [5:04 PM]

i am not on hcg btw. if you want to edit the title

1. [5:04 PM]

on TRT, e2 gel, now e2 injections

1. u/mike1

The bioavailability of oestradiol from the gel was 61% - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10465378/
Matiyar — 03/27/2023 5:08 PM
61% as compared to a pill ,-,

1. [5:10 PM]

Biovailability of oral estradiol ranges from less than 1% to around 15%, so according to this research you can expect ~9% absorption at best
43.
mike1 — 03/27/2023 5:14 PM
really? that seems incredibly low, almost useless

1. [5:15 PM]

his cream is 85% he says
46.
Matiyar — 03/27/2023 5:20 PM
I don't know from where he pulled that number

1. u/Matiyar

I don't know from where he pulled that number
mike1 — 03/27/2023 5:21 PM
i would guess the manufacturer? ill ask him
48.
Survivor — 03/27/2023 10:07 PM
u/mike1 When did you stopped e2 gel?
49.
Ratatouileee — 03/27/2023 11:50 PM
u/mike1 any different feeling?
March 28, 2023

1. u/Survivor

u/mike1 When did you stopped e2 gel?
mike1 — 03/28/2023 12:17 AM
yesterday

1. u/Ratatouileee

u/mike1 any different feeling?
mike1 — 03/28/2023 12:19 AM
Update 6: Injected 1mg of estradiol benzoate. Today was also my day for TRT injection. 1 hour in feel more sensitivty, hard flaccid type dick (this a positive). dick feels more full. It persisted for a few hours then declined. Had great sex, increased sensitivity, more libido. Maybe a 15% improvement so far over baseline so far. I feel the most effects shortly after injection and shortly after applying the gel. (edited)
Survivor — 03/28/2023 12:22 AM
Awesome man
53.
Dixon Uranus — 03/28/2023 1:07 AM
Great news, bro!

1. [1:07 AM]

Do you have cognitive or emotional symptoms at all?

1. [1:08 AM]

If yes, any changes on these fronts as well?
56.
mike1 — 03/28/2023 10:37 AM
I might have some degree of anhedonia. I believe ive had it since a young age before ssri though. I cant feel love/connections but again a problem since i was young. Still can feel a range of emotions but im mostly in the middle not many ups and downs. Cognitive im fine. No changes there. Bromanatane and semax helped my cognitive aspects already. Still on those.
57.
Survivor — 03/28/2023 12:44 PM
u/mike1 Are you gonna continue estradiol benzoate im?
58.
mike1 — 03/28/2023 2:14 PM
yea my plan is to do a week
59.
Ratatouileee — 03/28/2023 3:38 PM
u/mike1 have you had windows before you started the estrogen or is this the first time you got your libido and sensitivity back?

1. u/Ratatouileee

u/mike1 have you had windows before you started the estrogen or is this the first time you got your libido and sensitivity back?
mike1 — 03/28/2023 3:43 PM
from my OP: "The best window I ever had was my initial dose of proviron which prompted me to give this theory a shot. This lasted 2 days or so. I felt like a God every aspect was improved. It wasn't a manic phase though."
61.
138791 — 03/28/2023 3:51 PM
I felt the same from mini recoveries
62.
Survivor — 03/28/2023 8:26 PM
u/mike1 Any update today?

1. u/mike1

Update 6: Injected 1mg of estradiol benzoate. Today was also my day for TRT injection. 1 hour in feel more sensitivty, hard flaccid type dick (this a positive). dick feels more full. It persisted for a few hours then declined. Had great sex, increased sensitivity, more libido. Maybe a 15% improvement so far over baseline so far. I feel the most effects shortly after injection and shortly after applying the gel. (edited)
LastRiver — 03/28/2023 9:08 PM
Sorry man I'm confused by your wording. Are you saying hard flaccid is a positive? I don't think I'm understanding right lol

1. u/LastRiver

Sorry man I'm confused by your wording. Are you saying hard flaccid is a positive? I don't think I'm understanding right lol
mike1 — 03/28/2023 11:14 PM
yea it is in this context. imagine a hard flaccid as your baseline during the day vs a shrunken dick. when i had sex i was able to have a strong erection with a small dose of viagra

1. u/Survivor

u/mike1 Any update today?
mike1 — 03/28/2023 11:14 PM
i was busy today and forgot to inject. didnt realize until it was late evening time

1. u/mike1

yea it is in this context. imagine a hard flaccid as your baseline during the day vs a shrunken dick. when i had sex i was able to have a strong erection with a small dose of viagra
LastRiver — 03/28/2023 11:24 PM
Hard flaccid is a shrunken dick

1. u/mike1

i was busy today and forgot to inject. didnt realize until it was late evening time
Survivor — 03/28/2023 11:31 PM
Your e2 levels must be peaking tomorrow after 48 hours

1. u/LastRiver

Hard flaccid is a shrunken dick
mike1 — 03/28/2023 11:35 PM
Opposite of that. Its semi hard, hands wells, but not an erection
March 29, 2023
70.
mike1 — 03/29/2023 6:45 PM
i injected around an hour ago. will report later
71.

1. u/mike1

Update 6: Injected 1mg of estradiol benzoate. Today was also my day for TRT injection. 1 hour in feel more sensitivty, hard flaccid type dick (this a positive). dick feels more full. It persisted for a few hours then declined. Had great sex, increased sensitivity, more libido. Maybe a 15% improvement so far over baseline so far. I feel the most effects shortly after injection and shortly after applying the gel. (edited)
mike1 — 03/30/2023 9:05 PM
Update 7: injected 1mg yesterday. Improvements thus far have stuck. No improvements beyond what i reported before. Today no injection. (edited)
April 1, 2023
76.
mike1 — 04/01/2023 11:51 AM
sexual function not as good yesterday. was a bit stressed too
April 2, 2023
79.
mike1 — 04/02/2023 3:57 PM
Update 8: Today is day 4 of no injection. Nothing to report. Maybe a 5% improvement has stuck from my E2 usage prior (edited)
April 3, 2023
82.
mike1 — 04/03/2023 3:41 PM
Update 9: Day 5 of no injection. Performance was good last night. Definitely better than normal. Feeling good today will see how performance is tonight.
83.
Survivor — 04/03/2023 4:08 PM
u/mike1 It’s good you are seeing improvements. I pray to god that this might be the key for all of us .

1. u/mike1

Update 9: Day 5 of no injection. Performance was good last night. Definitely better than normal. Feeling good today will see how performance is tonight.
April 4, 2023

1. u/mike1

Update 9: Day 5 of no injection. Performance was good last night. Definitely better than normal. Feeling good today will see how performance is tonight.
Akas — Yesterday at 7:50 AM
That’s dope. Your libido/sex drive is feeling high?
88.
mike1 — Yesterday at 11:44 AM
not high. just better than normal. i would say erection quality and sensitivity is the most improved. libido still low

1. u/Survivor

You must be a hyper responder getting improvement with such low dose initially
mike1 — Yesterday at 7:36 PM
low dose of what?

1. u/mike1

low dose of what?
Survivor — Yesterday at 7:55 PM
E2
92.
mike1 — Yesterday at 8:09 PM
hmm i dont think its a low dose. maybe compared to what other people are doing. but more e2 than you would get from TRT or a big test injection.
April 5, 2023
93.
mike1 — Today at 2:45 PM
Update 10: Today is day 7 of no E2 injections. I have been taking hops before sleeping on occasion the last few days. Performance is better than normal for sure. Maybe a 15% improvement for erection quality and sensitivity has stuck so far at this point. I will be starting NAC+Sarcosine tomorrow
Final update 28/4/2023 – I have been on NAC+Sarcosine and around 900mg of hops per day. It has been 4 weeks since I began E2 or hops. Sensitivity improvements have stayed. Better erections, slightly more libido. Libido is still low otherwise I am very happy with my improvements.

In my opinion, the most promising cure to hpv in our near future. A single week of treatment cleared hpv in half of participants, and 82% clearance in 12 weeks. This is a slightly long read but if you struggle with hpv I recommend checking out what I typed and check out the studies at the bottom. This provided me a lot of hope and I hope it does for others with recurrent long term infections, or anyone who is worried of future hpv infections.
For those looking into therapeutic hpv vaccines. I’m sure xdhpv has already posted something on this but I found it particularly interesting given the fact that lopimune utilizes two combined hiv antivirals that are already fully developed, available, and proven to be highly effective in eliminating hiv primarily by targeting viral pi protease inhibitors in hiv. Similar protein (pi) structures are found in hpv. The combination of lopinavir and ritonavir was found to achieve full clearance of hpv in half of studied patients in 1 week. Incredible. Just 12 weeks into the study over 80% of participants had full hpv clearance.
I have read over hundreds of studies on drugs and vaccines to treat ongoing hpv infections, but everything seems to questionable if in late phases or novel in other cases. This may be early in terms of research, but given the fact these drugs are already proven safe in effective in hiv treatment, I’d say this is highly promising to pass phase 2/3? clinical trials that are now ongoing in the UK.
Ongoing clinical trials to prove the effectiveness of lopimune, which is a combination of the antiviral HIV drugs lopinavir and ritonavir, in treating existing HPV infections. Trials carried out in Kenya have shown very promising results so far: after one year, 82% of patients were HPV-negative. The drug is now currently in phase II of clinical trials in the UK.
There is also ongoing research at the University of Leeds and the University of Birmingham into how HPV infections occur have led to the identification of a specific protein known as STAT3, which allows HPV to infect cells and replicate, and the individual enzymes that activates the protein. By identifying these proteins and enzymes that enables the spread of HPV, scientists can develop drugs that can specifically target them and prevent HPV from infecting other cells.
Kenya HPV study
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4732739/
Current trials for AIN: https://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT05334004

We're having our first baby and I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant. We're also both turning 30 this summer.
He's always been an anxious person but it's only gotten worse over the past few months. He's had two anxiety attacks during this time. We just recently went to the doctor and he'll be hearing from a behavior health representative next week to possibly schedule some sort of therapy. He's very against medications and has had bad experiences in the past/negative reactions. I'm hoping having a professional to talk to will help. This will be the first time he's seeked help for anxiety and I know I'll have to get on him about following through (stubborn man).
We're both working and I plan on working until I have the baby, not much choice otherwise, lol. He has the GI bill from serving in the navy and plans to go back to school in the fall, but with work currently, the baby and his uncertainties about schooling, he's been very stressed.
I've also brought up to him that he has had a lack of involvement and motivation regarding anything baby related. I've been the one finding everything we need, stocking up on supplies, finding a pediatrician, doing research on caring for baby, reading books on parenting, ect. It's been emotionally difficult for me that he's been distracted/distant. I know it's not because he doesn't care and I've never gotten angry with him but I have brought it up more than once. He knows he needs to be more proactive and that it would help ease his anxiety to make progress. Even if it's one step at a time.
I've been extremely stressed as well but not nearly to the same degree as him. His anxiety is effecting his health as well. In the form of headaches, difficulty breathing and other aches and pains. While at the doctor's they did a series of tests, so we know it's nothing physically wrong with him.
We have some friends who have young kids, who we can go to for help. But our families live in other states or hours away, so it's mostly on us.
Hopefully I've provided enough information for context.
If there's any advice or maybe someone has had similar experiences, I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts.
I love my husband and I want to help ease his anxiety, which in turn will give myself peace of mind.
Sorry for the format, I am on mobile.
Thanks in advance for any input.

so i finished school about 2 weeks ago and got my license number last week! super excited but mentally quite exhausted. i've had a difficult time maintaining and finding job/school that worked for my brain (anxiety/adhd/etc) and i think esthetics is (hopefully) that sweet spot where i can have both activity (cleaning, prepping, sharing all the knowledge i collected over the years as a big skincare nerd), and the calmness of being in a facial room and focusing on the client, i get really into it and feel sleepy and relaxed myself, so i really enjoy it! i even enjoy waxing much more than i thought, very satisfying to see so it's not too bad for me despite being a bit more noisy!
i'm just mentally in a block. i'm hoping to get a job at the massage envy near my house, they have a recent esthi job opening, and my neighbor who saw me in school was super sweet saying how good i did she wants to see me when i work etc and her and her husband regularly get massages there and said they'd put in a good word as well. i was also potentially looking into a derm tech position, which is definitely a different enviroment and doesn't have the calming facial aspect, but i'm very used to medical offices from my own visits and i have worked in a very intense hospital setting as a CNA, so a derm clinic is pretty quiet but still interesting. not sure if it's exactly what i'm looking for but it's something! my resume isn't bad, and i have it mostly written out, i just need to find a template i like and transfer. i'm just having trouble making the leap. i did really well in school, and being home for a couple weeks i feel so on edge not doing anything, but moving forward is scary. a lot of this is my own issues with anxiety, which is a whole big thing on its own, but i was hoping for any words of encouragement or advice! i've been pretty active here as i've gone through school and gotten some great info as well as been participating myself as well as other skin condition and skincare subs that i would normally just lurk to test my knowledge and practice giving information. i'm keeping up, just need a little push! thanks!

Would give it a firm 7/10. It was a good flavor, but didn't do anything spectacular to set it apart the way Dragonfruit and The Juice has for me. Reminded me very much of Blue Gatorade, which is neither bad nor good. Near the end of the tub I more so was just trying to finish it rather than savor every scoop. Not sure if I would re-buy it like I would Wumpa Fruit, but I wasn't disappointed in my purchase as it won me over more than Gummy Worms did in that Bogo.

Cómo dice el título voy a contar de mí familia o un pequeño resumen de mí Lore
Soy hombre y tengo 18 años, vivo actualmente con mí mamá, mí padrastro y mí hermano menor, y no he tenido contacto con mí padre biológico desde hace algunos años
Empecemos cuando yo tenía 14, considero que nací ahí, ya que tuve amnesia y no recordaba ni mí propio nombre, mis pasatiempos era publicar mis dibujos y comics, yo pesaba que mí mamá no sabía que yo había tenido amnesia porque siempre me retaba cuando no sabía algo, pero hace poco me di cuenta que si, ella siempre supo que tuve esa amnesia pero nunca quiso ayudar a reeducarme. De lo poco que recuerdo de mí infancia sé que mí mamá me pegaba mucho, y siempre a mí, con mí hermano jamás, también sé que tengo varios problemas de salud desde que nací. Soy prematuro y tengo partes de mí cuerpo que no están bien formadas, y con partes me refiero específicamente mis genitales, que parecen una mezcla con los genitales de una mujer, además de eso tengo algunos problemas de crecimiento y un sistema inmune muy malo. Mí mamá se burlaba de mí por esto, hacía chistes de mí hombría o me trataba de mujer para que me sienta peor, me compraba tangas y zapatos de mujer y negaba mí propio nombre llamándome con el nombre de mí hermana, a los 15 me cansé de eso y le pedí ayuda a mí psicóloga, ella me dijo que llame a un número que era de asesoramiento (? Pero resultó ser para denunciar y la termine denunciando lo cual yo no quería hacer, me llevaron a la casa de mí papá y viví con el 3 meses en los cuales el me vigilaba porque tenía cámaras y micrófonos en la casa, me obligaba a vestirme como mujer, me habían dado hasta una peluca, me obligaba a maquillarme, y si decia que no le pegaba a la mesa fuerte y gritaba como el unga unga que es, me hacía dormir en la cama sin sábanas a 40 grados para que me dé calor. Cabe aclarar que tuve una época de insomnio a esa edad, para dormirme tenia que dibujar o ver una película, me relajaba tanto que podía dormir, pero según mí papá la cura era obligarme, pasar tanto tiempo sin dormir me hizo alucinar y me empezaba a volver loco, pasaba toda la noche mirando el techo porque no me dejaba ni sentarme a dibujar, recién me podía dormir un poco cuando amanecía porque me relajaba mucho lo lindo del amanecer, pero igual me hacía levantarme temprano. Me hacía comer en una mesa diferente y se quejaba de tener que darme de comer o darme techo, intento llevarme a un psicólogo por mí orientación sexual (la cual aún no tengo completamente definida) lo cual claramente no funcionó. El y su esposa se burlaban de mis genitales, y una vez decidí acabar con mí vida y fui al baño a hacerlo, pero el me vio PORQUE TAMBIÉN HABIA CAMARAS EN EL BAÑO y se puso a gritarme, insultarme y demás, ya sé que no estaba bien, pero aún con 15 años no sabía bien quien era, no estaba yendo a la escuela tampoco porque aún no entendía bien las cosas y me estresaba intentando entenderlo (aún no estaba listo porque no estaba del todo recuperado) pero no era razón de tratarme tan mal, llame a la policía muchas veces y mandaba correos a una oficina de ayuda a menores y no respondieron nunca, pude salir de ahí el día que el me subió a su auto y me llevo unos 15 kilómetros más lejos de su casa y me tiró en la calle con mis cosas, en ese momento mí mamá me fue a buscar y dijo que no podía vivir sin mí y que lo intento pero me extraña demasiado, asique me llevo a la casa, al principio estaba "bien" las cosas en mí casa, pero yo emocionalmente no, no entendía mí cuerpo y mí mamá no quería hablarme de eso, investigue más sobre el cuerpo humano y no entendía nada, me daban crisis, tenía miedo de ir solo a un doctor o algo porque no sabía asique no hice nada, tiempo después mí mamá conoció a mí padrastro, al inicio el me caía muy bien, nos gustaba hablar de historia y el espacio tiempo, y mí mamá le tenía suficiente confianza como para dejarlo solo en la casa conmigo y mí hermano, antes todo estaba bien, pero tiempo después me empezó a pedir que me saque la ropa y que quería verme, me pedía ver mí cuerpo, y me hacía preguntas muy personales sobre sexo o que cosas me gustan(lo cual en ese entonces no tenía ni idea, ya tenía 16 en ese entonces) me sentía muy incómodo, el se desnudaba en frente mío aunque no era necesario pero igualmente lo hacía y se quedaba así desnudo, cabe aclarar que cuando yo tenía 13 años uno de los exs de mí mamá (que era un policía) abuso de mí mientras yo dormía, y cuando tenía 12 años me violaron en mí viaje de egresados, un chico de 19 que se metió a la habitación (obviamente mí mamá no me creyó ninguna de esas dos veces que le dije) yo hablé con mí padrastro y le dije que no quería que se cambie en frente mío o me pida verme porque me ponía muy mal, y me sentía como que me iba a desmayar y que no lo hiciera más a lo que el contesto que lo tenía que superar y se siguió desnudando y pidiéndome que me saque la ropa, entonces me canse y le dije a mí mamá lo que pasó, ella me miro con una cara de decepción total y me dijo que yo lo provoqué y que seguro si le mostré mí cuerpo sin ropa, y yo jamás se lo mostré ._. pero ella decía eso, a la noche me empezó a gritar y a castigar y le pregunté porque si yo no hice nada y ella me respondió "NO HICISTE NADA?" enojadisima, entonces agarre huevos y le dije que yo no hice absolutamente nada y me fui toda la noche a la casa de una amiga para no verla. Mí mamá hablo con mí padrastro y después vino a hablar conmigo, saben que me dijo? Si, me echo de la casa, dijo que me quiere afuera para fin de año y que es lo mejor para los dos, porque dice que yo no sé convivir, actualmente tengo que comer en el piso de mí habitación SOLO mientras ellos comen juntos en la mesa como la familia feliz, y si, me dan de comer LAS SOBRAS, y cuando como algo de la heladera lo tiran a la basura después como diciendome que les doy asco, mí padrastro se ríe de mí y cuando estoy cerca de pone a romper cosas y mí mamá grita.
Porque anécdota random, una vez había baja tensión de electricidad, por lo que mí mamá apagó la electricidad de la casa, yo tenía 16 años creo (? Yo encendí la electricidad y desenchufe las cosas porque queria usar la electricidad en vez de los datos porque mí mamá siempre me decia que estaban re caros (si ya sé, no tuve que hacer eso pero en ese momento no lo pensé así) cuestión que mí mamá fue a usar el microondas y encendían las luces los botones funcionaban pero no calentaba, ella dijo que creía que estaba roto, también había un foco que no encendía asique me mandó a cambiarlo ya que el foco era nuevo, cuando llego al almacén la dueña me hizo probar el foco para asegurarse que no andaba, y si andaba, entonces me di cuenta que era mí casa que tenía el problema y que eso después se pasaba, lo que significa que el microondas no estaba roto, cuando llegue mí mamá dijo que no me creía y que rompí el microondas y la heladera porque la luz le parpadeaba, le dije que no y se empezó a quejar por la plata y demás, hago un paréntesis, somos gente de plata y además de eso, mí hermano menor ya ha roto 3 veces su teléfono, unas 5 veces su tablet, le hemos comprado como 3 joysticks nuevos y arreglado más de 5 veces cuando se rompían, 2 veces MI computadora porque se le cayó una taza de leche encima y sumándole que también le habíamos arreglado la play4 una vez también, cierro paréntesis, mí mamá se enojo tanto por el microondas y la heladera que claramente no estaban rotos, que me pegó hasta tirarme al piso, una vez en el piso me agarró de los pelos y me arrastro por el piso hasta la cocina y me tiró un palo de escoba y me dijo que limpie, me empezó a tratar de mujer y me dijo que ahora iba a ser empleado, y se fue a su habitación a ver una película, volvía cada tanto para pegarme de nuevo y se iba, a la mañana siguiente se fue la baja tensión y como yo dije, nada estaba roto, en vez de unas disculpas me dijo "te lo merecías"
Y otras mini anécdotas, la vez que me pegó con una botella de aluminio (con la parte dura) porque se había cortado la luz y le pedí a mí mamá si podíamos ver una película con mí hermano o algo con los datos de su teléfono, me pegó tanto que me dejó moretones del tamaño de limones, y me dejó tonto porque me dio varias veces en la cabeza, mí hermano gritaba y lloraba que me suelte mientras ella hacía eso También la vez que ella siempre me decía que me duerma temprano, eran las 11 y me intentaba dormir y ella tenía el televisor al palo, le pedí que si lo bajaba, dijo "ponete auriculares y dormí" y le subió más al televisor. Pd: no dormí (no fue solo esa vez) Y más situaciones asi
(Si preguntan por un diagnóstico, tengo diagnosticado lo de la amnesia, problemas de crecimiento y de hormonas, depresión, ansiedad y problemas de estrés. Mí mamá tiene bipolaridad)

Over the past couple of weeks I have dropped from close to 60 (have been infinite in the past) to 40 because for some reason I can't win a game back to back anymore?
Over this time I've used several decks, ones that don't rely on the meta or can be countered by it but no matter how good the deck is, the opponent is always better. That includes discard, destroy , collector, Wong panther, patriot etc.
Like playing against armour in your destroy deck after not seeing it for ages. Cosmo against your Wong deck etc. I have just played a destroy deck game where I stacked 90 and 145 power over two zones and the other player managed to beat that, or another game stacking 40/50/90 over the zones and still losing.
I've been playing for around 6 months but it's only been this season that this has happened, where no deck can build momentum unless it's in the meta. The matchmaking reminds me so much now of clash royale where it always finds counter card decks. You can tell by the delay in finding someone compared to a fast matchup when using a known deck.
It's not a skill issue , nor a bad luck issue, not expecting to be infinite or anywhere near but daily I'm going backwards in the rankings no matter what deck I'm using. At this point I'm just doing the challenges because I'm not expecting to even hit 60 now!
Shout-out to the player who armoured rickety bridge and then enchantresses it last turn to destroy all my cards I had put there, that was a top tactic and genuinely impressed me.

Long story, I am sorry.
I am born and raised in a country in Europe (English isn't my first language). I have 2 siblings (one a few years older and the other one is my twin) and my parents are still together. Me and my twin didn't have a special bond or anything, we see ourselves as siblings, not twins. I had a better bond with my older sibling. We had a really good childhood, we had everything we could ask for (love, attention, material things etc.). But like many other families we also had rough periods from time to time. When I was nearing my teenage years I started noticing that talking about emotions wasn't really possible in my family. I was always the one that had to be tough and strong. I became more and more aware of the fact that my mother and my twin were really close and forming one front together. But I also felt like I had a better bond with my dad. So I brushed it of. When I got older I became very independent, my twin became more and more dependent on our parents (especially our mom). When we were in our early twenties my twin became a parent, she was leaning even more on our parents. My twin got married, it wasn't a happy marriage and they got divorced 7-8 years later.
Unfortunately I became ill in my mid/late twenties, I have an autoimmune disease and a progressive neuromusculair disease. When this started I was together with my partner for 1,5 years, we made it and 17 years later we are still standing strong!
And then my twin got another partner. We didn't know that person very well. Twin started changing (started drinking and smoking, acting strange). My nephew was with his grandparents (our parents) almost every day since the day he was born, they lived maybe 200 metres apart from each other. Twin started to shut everyone out, became isolated from us and most friends. Then one day I got a call from our mother that my twin called her and they needed me. So I got in my car and went (eventough i was very ill). We heard a lot of nasty things about my twins partner (had mental problems, was a drunk, gambled with my twins money etc.), twin needed help getting away from them. Twin broke of the relationship, stayed with our parents for 2 days and then got back together with partner.... My nephew wasn't allowed to see his grandparents anymore. And one day they were gone, they moved in the middle of the night. We didn't know where they were, it was very worrisome. Twin made false statements with the cops that my older sibling had put a gun to her head, that they received death threats, they were stalked and so on. 7 horrible years followed.
My health got worse and worse and I had to let go of my independence more and more. And because my twin was gone my mother projected everything she did with my twin on me now. I tried to keep boundaries on, but I became very sick and needed help with every day stuff. My partner had to work so my mother stepped up. In the years that followed I struggled with my illnesses and accepting that my life changed drastically, I got professional help. I didn't get a lot of mental support from my mother, she always said "be strong!" But I was grieving my old life, my independent life. I tried talking about it, but those conversations were cut off immediately.
About 4 years ago my twin got back in our lives (they had been gone for about 7 years). Still together with the same partner, married now. They have a business together and are doing good. You can tell they changed for the better. My parents, brother and twin talked, but my twin never explained to me why she left. Twin was welcomed back without hesitation by my parents (which I understood because my parents had missed them so much). I was more hesitant and didn't open my heart fully for my twin. In the years my twin was gone my parents did everything to let her know how our dad was doing health wise and tried to get her see my dad, she never did (this is important later on).
Then COVID hit an my partner started working from home. So I didn't need my mother's help as much anymore. And because of my fragile fysical health I didn't see a lot of people, especially when I learned my parents weren't taking the COVID rules that serious in the beginning. I felt I was strong enough to get some of my independence back, my mother didn't liked it. She was angry because she saw me less. I tried to explain to her that it was a combination of COVID and me wanting to be more independent again. It became a big argument, hurtful things were said. I asked my parents to come over, my dad and i were good and he tried to mediate, it didn't work. Over the course of the 3 years that followed we struggled to communicate well with each other. When I brought up I wanted to talk about our strained relationship, my mother ignored it. I tried to put it aside and act like everything was fine, but it wasn't. I brought up that we needed to talk numerous times, no reaction whatsoever. 2 years ago my parents got COVID, my mother recovered, my father not so much. Because of COVID he had some bleeding in his brain and was left with brain-damage and a poor health (his health was already compromised in the years my twin was gone, he had heart problems, cancer and other minor things). Last year the relationship with my mother reached a breaking point and I made the choice to take a step back and focus on my health. I told my mom I needed space, understandably she wasn't happy about it. I was told not to mention anything to my dad. So I didn't, I didn't want to worry him. After a couple of months a reached out to my mom to try and reconnect, she wasn't ready and I was told to give her some time, which I did. But she stayed angry. When I tried to reconnect I found out my dad's health deteriorated, I asked my mom to keep me updated on his health, she promised she would. Just recently she broke that promise. I found out he was in and out of the doctors office and hospital for 5 days, she only told me because I sent her a message. That same night my dad got very ill and the ambulance came to bring him to the hospital again. I heard about it the next day after I messaged my mom again. She thought he was going to die. I wanted to see my dad but I wasn't allowed, I was denied access to my dad, she didn't want to tell me in what hospital he was. That made me so sad and angry, but I kept my mouth shut. But when I was denied access I couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore. I told her I was very hurt and that the problems we had should matter at that time, the only thing that mattered was my dad. And that they went out of their way to keep my twin updated about our dad's health, which my twin never acted on, and now I was denied access to my dad.
My dad got home from the hospital, I sent him a message that I was glad he was home again, that I loved him and hoped to see him soon. I got a very sweet message back, it felt like I got back my dad back from before the brain-damage. My mom was angry that I reached out to my dad. I messaged my dad to try and see him this weekend, he waited a day to answer my message and it wasn't good. I was only able to see him when my mom was there. I accepted that because my goal was to see him. I tried to plan a time and place, but now I wasn't welcome. I told my dad (by whatsapp) what happened the last 6-12 months. But I wasn't welcome. I messaged him that I would wait for him to tell me I could come over
All the stress isn't good for my health.
TLDR; I want to see my dad but I don't want to put myself in a stressful situation again and again. Don't know what to do now. Help!

I’m a current US senior in college, getting my bachelors or arts in history with a political science minor. I have a year left until I graduate with a 3.8-3.9 GPA — seems to be right below first class honors.
I’ve been working at a law firm on and off since 2014, but total I have about 6 years — nearly 7 — experience as a legal assistant in the US.
I love law. It’s something I have come back to after trying many different fields. I enjoy it, and it’s something that I’m going to continue to do. The US just isn’t doing it for me anymore. I hate having to have an escape plan for an active shooter when I go out with my friends. It’s hectic here, and the work culture leaves something to be desired.
I’m willing to practice any area of law, though I would prefer to practice some form of international law (business/tax/finance). I am in the process of getting Italian citizenship and maybe I could use this as some sort of leverage or talking point.
My real questions are should I do an LLM? I’ve read posts that says it’s not necessary. Should I try to take some SQE qualifying courses and try to get sponsored for a position at a firm, though it is probably fruitless?

Hi all!
I'm in the EU, around 2 YOE (years of experience). I recently accepted a new full time SWE job offer at a nice company - really cool tech, lovely people, nice salary. I honestly love it here. I'm excited about the technology and how it helps others and I adore my colleagues.
I'm just around the two month mark at my new place. I'm getting a lot of help from people around me to learn the tech - as soon as I ask someone has jumped in a meeting with me to explain/discuss my questions. I feel I'm getting the best conditions to learn. And yet I'm struggling.
The stack is completely new to me, the code base is large and very detailed and concerns complex programming areas that are challenging. I love that it's hard because it's personally simulating. But I'm also starting to feel worried. I'm no where near being able to contribute to the stack by myself without ample aid from senior developers. Everyone of my colleagues had experience in this specific area from before (I didn't) and works autonomously easily. I'm so excited to go to work in the mornings and hang out with colleagues/learn but I'm worried that me having fun and being excited isn't enough. We recently had mass layoffs, and at 2 months I haven't yet passed probation so my position isn't super secure.
I may just be overthinking it, but thoughts have popped into my head that I should maybe put a lid on my excitement to at least give a more professional appearance or something ... It sounds so stupid and sad now that I write that out, is it ever desirable to do that?
I'm also very open when I don't understand things/aspects (even when these may be basic) and will say often immediately that "I don't know/I don't understand this/this feels hard for me to understand". I do that because often someone will fill me in then, explain a bit of what I'm missing, and I will learn quickly (rather than googling on my own). But I rarely hear my colleagues say this - maybe because they're so experienced - but I say it so often. I was thinking that maybe I should stop being so vocal about my gaps of knowledge to at least appear more competent? I've always thought it was healthy to be open about knowledge gaps, but corporate software jobs are quite new to me and I feel like I don't know the social rules well yet. It feels sad/counterproductive to even consider hiding excitement and not being open about where my knowledge is at, I think I may be thinking about this too much. I wouldn't want others to hide their questions or excitement with me. I don't know. I'm sorry if this is rambly.
Has anyone here been in a similar position? Or in the position of the experienced seeing other people struggle like I do? What did you think then, what are your tips? Should those of us in my position be worried when we're struggling like this or should we just keep going and eventually it often sorts itself out/our knowledge grows with practise? Mind you, none of my colleagues have said anything to make me think I should worry yet.
How do you placate your own worries when you feel like you're not as cool/you're not contributing at all as much as others?
Thanks for all input in advance! I just want to stay with my lovely team and continue to learn here.

I just wanted to share a great experience with BMTC and KSRTC yesterday as there are a lot of posts about how rude they are. I boarded a BMTC from chikkaballapura and wanted to come to the city near cub on park. Initially, the conductor seemed rude(I jumped to conclusion too quick), but was pleasantly surprised when I talked to him and he gave me instructions and guided me till the stop I was to get off. While getting off, a ksrtc driver looked at me and stopped at the signal, as he understood that I was trying to cross the road, and then waved back at me once I crossed the road. He gave was to a pedestrian and made my day.
Tldr; Be kind to everyone around and it might come back to you in a different way. There are a few bad apples, but the world is a good place. Peace ✌🏻

I am the palest of pale, and would love to have a little bit of colour to my face and body for summer, but I am too apprehensive to use a straight up fake tan, so would like to try a gradual tan/tanning moisturizer that won't leave me orange. I'm currently using the dove one, but find it leaves my hands and cuticles orange while not giving me any colour in my face at all. any recommendations would be appreciated, even better if they're easy to find in the UK!

Sorry this is long.
My(22f) Mom (53) almost died the other night and I still can't get the image out of my head. I am currently home for the summer having just finished my last spring semester of college. My mom who is still pretty young has been plagued with a lot of health issues in the past year and her drinking and smoking don't help her medical issues (she is trying to cut back). She has recently been diagnosised with severe osteoporosis, anemia and multiple vitamin deficiencies, she has been prescribed a lot of medication for this. She found out about her osteoporosis after her husband (M we will call him) slammed her against the wall when he was drunk and fractured 2 discs in her lower back (I have always hated him and I have never viewed him as a father he has always been abusive towards my mother). The other night (5/23/23) after dinner I was in my room playing a video game with my friends when I heard gasping through my headphones. My mom has had a long history of ranging asthma attacks but this one was worse. No one heard her banging on the counter for help. I walked out of my room and down the hall about maybe 2-3 feet when I round the corner and see my mom on the floor, I ran to the back of the house and yelled at M "Mom is on the floor I need her inhaler" he grabs her inhaler and quickly follows be back to the kitchen. I look closer at my mom at this point and see that she is starting to turn blue and not breathing. I don't know what took over me in that moment but I was oddly calm, I adjusted my mom and started doing CPR on her (I have never done CPR on a real person only on dummies in highschool). I yelled at M to call 911. I don't remember how many compressions I did on her to start but I remember giving her 2 breaths and the sound that it made still haunts me after the two breaths I kept doing compressions till her eyes opened back up and I stopped and grabbed her hand and told her to squeeze my hand in hers. I remember turning her on her side into the recovery position as I listened to her labored breathing the EMTs rushed in and took over. I remember sitting on the cold kitchen floor watching my mom come back to her surroundings, I remember her looking at me pissed as she realized she was surrounded by paramedics checking her pulse and heart rate, arguing with them that she was fine. I kept telling her that she needed to go, that I had to give her CPR that she was turning blue and she refused, I walked to my room and called my older brother telling him to tell mom to go. She was eventually cleared by the paramedics after reporting her vitals back to the on call doctor. My mom hates hospitals and refuses to go to them. I sat out in the living room with her for a few hours after that and she eventually got up and went to bed. I checked on her every hour to make sure that she was still breathing while she was asleep. The next morning when I woke up I went to walk out into the kitchen to get myself breakfast and had a flashback of seeing her on the ground me over her giving her CPR and started having a panic attack (I have had these over the years before but not nearly as bad as this was). Since then I haven't been able to really sleep, everytime I close my eyes I see her dying in my arms and hear myself counting the compression echoing in my head, and her getting further and further away from me. I have to go check on her every hour and make sure she is still breathing, I don't end up falling asleep until 5am when she usually gets up and starts her day and I know M will be up as well.
I know that this isn't healthy or good for me and I am trying to get in to see my doctor to get a referral to see a new therapist. I have only told a couple of people about this primarily my Brother (23) and boyfriend (23), I have told 2 of my friends. Nothing will ever prepare you for the trauma of having to perform CPR on a real person but especially when it's you own mother.